Professor T’s Genetic Test Dates

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Warning! This story was written a long time ago when people were not quite so prickly about every little thing. It may contain passages that could offend some delicate PC sensibilities of today. If that’s you, do not read this story. Fair warning. If you do read it anyhow and get all huffy, don’t come whining to me.

  ))))))))))))) ANNOUNCING! A SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH! (((((((((((((((  

  ))))))))))))) PROFESSOR T’S GENETIC TEST DATES!! ((((((((((((((  

Professor T, the Doctor of Love and All-Around Expert on Human Behavior, announces Ten Tried and True Test Dates that will help *you* determine the genetic makeup of the person you have asked on the date, thus providing ample reason to dump them quickly and feel smug about the fact that you will not end up with The Wrong Woman* for the rest of your life.

 

  1. Take her to a County Fair with a big midway, treat her to a couple corn dogs and Cokes, and maybe Eggroll On A Stick, and then spend an hour or two on The Hammer, and The Tilt-a-Whirl, and The Cyclone, and The Round-Up, and whatever else looks plenty violent.

    1. If she gets sick, or worse yet actually vomits, do not ask her out ever again. An expression of the carsickness allele on the Inherited Illnesses gene is indicated. This is also a very dominant trait, likely to be passed along to any kids, who would be forever needing to stop by the side of the road every fifty miles on every family automobile trip for the rest of your life.
    2. If she fails to appreciate the inherent beauty of a food item like Eggroll On A Stick, do not ask her out ever again. The presence of the “How long do you think you can keep bringing home takeout dinners?” allele has been flushed out.

     

  2. Take her to the horse races at Arlington Park** on a nice sunny summer day, and stake out a nice clubhouse bench in the sun.

    1. If she talks incessantly while you are trying to handicap the races, do not ever ask her out again. The talking-during- football-games allele is alive and well.
    2. If she talks incessantly to the poor old guy sitting next to you on the bench, who is also trying to handicap the races, do not ever ask her out ever again. Yup. The “I am not even aware that I am embarrassing the shit out of my date” allele has reared its ugly head.

     

  3. Take her to the Ethiopian restaurant down on Clark Street, just south of Wrigley field, across the street from the Wild Hare (not the crappy one down by Belmont).

    1. If she refuses to touch the steak tartar, or seems queasy about eating with her hands, do not ever ask her out again. “I’m gonna nag you constantly about that green stuff in your refrigerator and the mismatched dinnerware in your cupboard” is present on gene pair twelve.

     

  4. Take her to a White Sox game, or if you are particularly perverted as well as a masochist, a Cubs Game.

    1. If she brings along a book, or God forbid her knitting (!), do not ever ask her out again. A sure indication that the “these season tickets wouldn’t be long for this world under my regime, buddy!” trait is lurking just beneath the surface.

     

  5. Take her to see The New Duncan Imperials playing the Lounge Ax on New Year’s Eve.

    1. If, while slam dancing down in the mosh pit, she gets in a fight with another woman, do not ever ask her out again. This indicates the presence of a trait that Professor T has not yet named, but which he knows from sad experience is A Mighty Bad Trait on A Mighty Bad Gene.

     

  6. Take her to a movie such as Ken Russell’s “Lair of the White Worm”, with plenty of half-naked women in chains suspended over pits, and large white vaguely phallic looking monsters, and snake women who spit venom on crucifixes so that when you touch them you get these incredibly disturbing mind images of Roman soldiers pillaging and raping while escorting Jesus to Calvary. Or at least something close to that.

    1. If after the movie she is visibly shaken and no longer hungry and just wants to go home, do not ever ask her out again. Strong expression of the “Bambi and The Lion King movies forever” allele. Possibly indicative of the “Love Story” trait, too.

     

  7. Take her to the Music Box Theatre to see an art movie like the four hour long one starring the French actress who was Jean de Florette’s daughter in Manon of the Spring, wherein the attractive young actress spends most of the movie buck naked.

    1. If she stands up at the end and announces loudly to all those within earshot “That wasn’t about anything but tits, was it?”, do not ever ask her out again. “Too much ‘splainin'”, on the 14th gene pair.
    2. If she has failed to appreciate how truly cool and wonderful and unique the little cloud images that float across the ceiling of the Music Box really are (the main theatre, not that little crackerbox add-on), do not ever ask her out again. This trait too does not have a name, but it is Very Sad.
    3. If she buys (or more likely you buy for her) a big tub o’ popcorn (without butter!) and then crunches it down with her mouth half open, creating a horrendous racket throughout the better part of this quiet, intense movie, do not ever ask her out again. This indicates the expression of the gum-crackin’ allele.

     

  8. Take her to your favorite neighborhood bar, and order up a couple shots of Cuervo Gold.

    1. If she does not know the proper use of lime and salt, do not ever ask her out again. The “You don’t know that by now?” gene, closely related to “Too much ‘splainin.”. Just too much work.

     

  9. Ask her over to your place for a quiet evening with a rented video, tasty takeout Szechwan, and a nice bottle or two of wine.

    1. If she spends the better part of the evening appraising the value of your belongings with a practiced eye, and asking you about your job and how much you make, and whether or not you have a big fat savings account squirreled away somewhere, and why on earth you spend your money on things like racehorses, do not ever ask her out again. The “I really deserve to not have to work for a living” trait is peeking out from its sneaky little hiding place.

     

  10. If, after all of the above, you have still not found reason to dump her, nor she to dump you, ask her out for a nice evening with dinner at an expensive restaurant, the latest Steppenwolf play, and late drinks at a small intimate neighborhood tavern. Let her know how much you like her, and how you hope your relationship will grow into something long-lasting and wonderful.

    1. If she responds in kind, do not ever ask her out again. Gene pair two, the “I’m gonna end up ripping your heart out and jumping up and down on it in front of God and everybody” allele.

NOTES:

*Feel free to substitute “Man” for “Woman”, “Him/His”, for “Her”, and “He” for “She” if you are so inclined. Professor T’s Genetic Test Dates are non gender-specific.

**The setting for any and all Test Dates may be customized to fit your particular locale.

All rights reserved, 1995, by Professor T.

Author/Copyright: Tiger, of tigerwhip.com fame   Date written: 01/23/1995